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Mistress Abigaille?

Dear Mistress Abigaille

Advice from a real Peer -
so it must be good!

Dear Mistress Abigaille:

I was told that SCA Camps were shag-fests. My friend, who gave me a couple of long t-shirt-things to wear, said that the girls would be drooling over me and that a line of the chicks would be waiting outside my tent for me to rip their bodices and check out their bum-rolls. But none of them come near me. I asked one chick to come back for a roll in the sleeping bag, and she just walked off. I did find a Gor-style camp, but when I told the kajira to bring her ass over to me, some dude threw me out. It's now the last day of the camp and the only chicks that even look twice at me are in that weirdo bunch with the blue feathers everywhere. Where can a red-blooded hot dude like me get some action?

— Squire Shagwich the Dude

Dear Dude,

Courtesy is the key to success with the ladies in these Current Middle Ages. Next time, tell the kajira, "Dearest Dark Lady of Punishment, wilt thou verily bring thy beauteous ass so that my lowly self may bask in thy mysterious charms?" Talk like that, and you'll have more bodices to rip than you'll know what to do with.

Dear Mistress Abigaille:

As the wife of a knight and a landed Baroness, I try to keep the peace as much as possible. How do I keep the squires from dating each other? It leads to conflicts on and off the field, and even in the armory, which is in my basement.

— Bewildered Midrealmer

Dear Bewildered,

When you catch them dating, shake a can of pennies at them to startle them. Or try a fire hose; either beat them with it or hose them down.

Got a perplexing SCA-related dilemma? E-mail Mistress Abigaille

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