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The Quarter Classified Ad Section

I — Announcements

SECRET PEERS MEETING and barbecue, the Friday before the next big event. Noon til ??? Pot stirrers welcome. No GOA's admitted. No exceptions.

QUEEN'S TURKEY SHOOT Kingdom Fund Raiser. All manner of weaponry acceptable. No authorization necessary! $1 per shot, no limit!

II — Lost and Found

LOST: ONE SHIRE. Ex-landowner desperate for lost prestige and income. Reward.

FOUND: One load of dirt. Would like to deliver ASAP. You know who you are.

III — Happy Ads

Dear Heloise, love is sometimes the most unkind cut of all. — Abelard

Marlowe didn't write my plays. — Bill

You were wearing a low cut bodice and skirt, I had on a t-tunic, we danced Hole in the Wall until some jerk sharked you away. Let's get together!

The world is round! — Chris C.

IIII — Personals

Recent widower seeks marriage minded lady. Must be willing to convert, must want children. Respond to Box H8.

Aggressive druid type seeks passive martyr type for community service project. Appreciation of wicker sculpture a plus.

Shakespeare in Love seeks Elizabeth for poetic inspiration. No pasty faces please.

Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest? Write box H2

V — Business Opportunities

LEPROSY, SMALL POX and MEASLES! If you haven't had these diseases, ships are now departing for the New World. Sign on for adventure, fortune and the oppression of others.

Turn lead into gold, I'll show you how. Get my booklet for only 39 silver marks. Write Georg Faust, Box 7.

VI — Education and Schools

KICK SOME ASS and become King! We'll show you how it's done by combining roofing techniques and a little thing called attitude. Warning: This program is not for everyone. Those with no spine or no sense of right and wrong need not apply.

Too many mouths to feed? Children needed now for Crusade to Holy Land. Earn valuable indulgence points in return. 800-CRUSADE

Prince Henry the Navigator's Sailing School now accepting students. Must be able to resist the lure of mermaids. Sextant experience a plus. Apply to PO box 1, Portugal.

Is your scribe Y1K compliant? Be certain, enroll in our correspondence course. Write box M.

QUEEN WANNABES: New classes forming on how to get the most out of your Knight Consort before he finds out what you're doing behind his back. Meet in the parking lot during the tournament for complete secrecy!

VII — Employment

Troops needed for divinely-inspired bid to free city of Orleans. Call 555-JOAN

THE INQUISITION, a dynamic high profile branch of the Catholic church, seeks motivated fanatics for various positions in the fast-paced confession procurement industry. Experience in high pressure motivational tactics a plus, but will provide training for the right individuals. Must be willing to travel. Benefits include company cart, after-life insurance. Apply to The Vatican, attn.: Torquemada.

LADIES' SEWING CIRCLE forming. Looking for young, bored girls to work on long term project depicting the conquest of England. Only nimble-fingered needle workers considered.

The Jesuits want you! We're looking for a few good theologians. See the world, convert the heathens. Visit your local parish recruitment office.

Washer women needed for Third Crusade. Delousing skills a must. Ransom guaranteed.

WANTED: A few virile men for entertainment purposes. Best performers will be paid in cloaks, boots, caps and fine silken tunics. Contact Alexander at the Vatican.

VIII — Merchandise and Services

DIRECT FROM THE EAST! Gunpowder, new and improved. Finally perfected and safe for all ages. See Gianni "One-Eye" Cicero to place your order today.

REGAIN YOUR VIRGINITY with new Italian-developed treatment. Don't let an embarrassing past keep you from a lucrative marriage! University-trained woman doctor ensures confidentiality. Contact Dr. Trotula of Salerno.

SPIRITUAL GARLIC STOPS EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES. Keep energy drainers at bay. Visit Ye Olde New Age Shoppe.

CELTIC JUSTICE KINGDOM TOUR commemorative t-shirts now available. Features distinctive log design. See the T-shirt Laurel for details.

Sir Karl Says: Only 16,761,600 seconds until Gulf Wars!


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