Top Ten Signs You'll Never Be a Peer

10. Prowess? Check! Courage? Check! Generosity, humility, fidelity? D'OH!!

9. Remember the time you said, "I wish I was a Pelican, so I could sit on my butt while my proteges do all the work"? Well, the Pelicans remember!

8. For some reason, the Laurels failed to fully appreciate your ArtSci Food-Prep entry of Sardinian Maggot-Filled Pecorino Cheese.

7. The Ladies of the Rose weren't thrilled by your Royal Command forcing them to act as your "Serving Wenches" while you were Queen.

6. Win dozens of tourneys, most of the Knights still don't know who you are. But kick your helm off the field just once...

5. Buying an embroidered shirt off the rack at K-Mart and entering it in ArtSci didn't fool anyone, you know.

4. You know those heralds you used to heckle every time they cried the camp? They're now the major Pelican voting block.

3. In retrospect, taking the ICQ nickname "SwordGod" wasn't the best way to get the Knights to take you seriously. But it has given you ample justification for your new nickname, "WalkingBruise".

2. Sure, mime was a period art form. And, yes, you do a great job of staying entirely in your mime persona at events. Unfortunately, you're also the Court Herald.

1. Even Sir John FitzRauf refuses to expand his "Kitchen Sink" Peerage proposal to include "Participating In The SCA Only Via The Internet".