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Wacky Woodkut Kaption Kontest!

Last Month's Woodkut The people have spoken! Here are the results of our on-line voting:

First place

Come come now! You did volunteer to judge the A&S competition.
    — Submitted by Jan Kees Dudel d'Ende

Second place (three-way tie)

Oh my god!!! Those aren't raisins!!!
    — Submitted by Rhys Morgan

I TOLD you to stay away from those plague rats! Now, you'll feel much better after we Chirurgeons complete this emergency tracheotomy. Just hold still, because anesthesia hasn't been invented yet.
    — Submitted by Iustinos Tekton

Stop poking me!
    — Submitted by James de Biblesworth, Atlantia

The entire list of entries, as well as the voting results, may be seen in the previous issue.

The submission and voting period are over
Here are the submissions our readers sent in, sorted by votes received:


Kaptions Submitted by Our Readers:

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, the earlier and much more successful years
(Submitted by Melesse) [13 votes]

"When an eel lunges out, and bites off your snout, That's a Moray!"
(Submitted by Brendan Pilgrim) [5 votes]

"Emergency exits are located on the port side of the ship. In the case of an emergency, sea-monsters may be used as emergency flotation devices."
(Submitted by Erythrorhynchos of Atlantia) [5 votes]

You hear that sound your Highness? It's the shreiking eels.....
(Submitted by Master Juan Santiago) [5 votes]

What's that Flipper? Timmy fell down a well?
(Submitted by Evan QuickTongue) [4 votes]

Pass the device or we drop you, Herald.
(Submitted by Renn) [2 votes]

Hold my beer, this will be cool.
(Submitted by Avis Albrechtsdotter) [2 votes]

A Pelican, a Laurel and a Knight deciding who has the biggest peerage.
(Submitted by Charles de Montmartre) [2 votes]

Promo still from "Jaws 12: The Twelfth Century." (Just when you thought it was safe to go back in time.)
(Submitted by Steven Spielbe- I mean Brendan Pilgrim) [2 votes]

No Jack - she's not worth it!
(Submitted by EFP) [2 votes]

Hold on, I see the other oar!
(Submitted by Conrad Kulczynowski of An Tir) [2 votes]

"Look closer -- I can't tell whether that fish is really bigger than us or it's just the screwy medieval sense of perspective."
(Submitted by Brendan "It's too hot to sleep" Pilgrim) [2 votes]

The squire's looked high and low for HM's lost signet ring.
(Submitted by Gwendolyn MacAuslane, Meridies) [2 votes]

"Crikey! This is SO dangerous!" - young Lord Stephen Irwin, Crocodile Slayer
(Submitted by HL Margaree ny Kenneth, Barony of Seagirt, An Tir) [1 votes]

Don Mojado de Pie is unsuccessful in his bid to live in Trimaris.
(Submitted by Ana Raquel de Guzman) [1 votes]

Squire's revenge: "Stupid squire trick eh? I'll show you a stupid squire trick!"
(Submitted by Lady Anonymous) [1 votes]

Geoffrey, pull him back in! The sun's finally addled his brain, wanting to go for a swim in these eel-infested waters...
(Submitted by Mickel von Salm, East Kingdom) [1 votes]

Medieval dentistry was sometimes difficult or even dangerous.
(Submitted by UlfR Ketilson, Nordmark) [1 votes]

Good Squires go to Heaven, bad ones go to Eel.
(Submitted by Ana Raquel de Guzman) [1 votes]

See I told you your Brother would make good fish bait
(Submitted by Beliarius Draconis) [1 votes]

"Mark the side of the boat -- we've found where the fish are really biting."
(Submitted by Brendan Pilgrim Yetagain) [1 votes]

The Heralds get even with Lord Mudgeon McGrumpypants
(Submitted by Bjorn Egilsson) [1 votes]

Row, row, row your nef, / Through the spaghetti sea, / Throw the hunchback overboard, / Well, that was fun. Whoopee!
(Submitted by Erythrorhynchos of Atlantia) [1 votes]

"Didn't you lose your last squire that way?"
(Submitted by Geoffrey the Quiet) [1 votes]

What kind of sick freaking bondage thing do you two have going on?...and with FISH no less!
(Submitted by Buddy Whackit) [1 votes]

Jonah, stop screwing around and grab an oar
(Submitted by Ivan) [1 votes]

Ha Ha Ha. Very funny! Now pull my Squire back in.
(Submitted by Lord Magnus inn rammi) [1 votes]

This isn't what I meant by "baiting" him.
(Submitted by Mistress Reynarda of the Sympdom) [1 votes]

can you hear me now? Good!
(Submitted by Caitlyn of green catsle called magda the gypsy) [1 votes]

Between the mouseballs at A&S and Mistress Hildegarde's hallucinogenic frogs, Roderick was starting to see sea monsters.
(Submitted by popular demand -- OK, just by Brendan Pilgrim) [1 votes]

Join the navy they said. See the world they said. Nobody said anything about pulling crewmates out of giant fish.
(Submitted by Lord Arthur, known as the Ironpants) [0 votes]

Look Dear, the dog wants to play with Billy.
(Submitted by David Hopper) [0 votes]

Hang on, Etienne! I'm goin' in!
(Submitted by Alianor de Ravenglas) [0 votes]

"What you DO with a drunken sailor"
(Submitted by Saebjorn) [0 votes]

Early prostate exams consisted of ...
(Submitted by Harold) [0 votes]

Who knew the mediteranean sea was full of spaghetti in period
(Submitted by Corynne-Midrealm) [0 votes]

They told you to stay seated for the ENTIRE ride
(Submitted by adrian the cat herder) [0 votes]

Now Thats a bad overbite
(Submitted by adrian the cat herder) [0 votes]

I told you two if you don't stop picking on each other, I would stop this boat and feed you to the sea monster!
(Submitted by Baroness Isabelle the Fair) [0 votes]

My Laurel says it proves "feeding the fish" had medieval origins.
(Submitted by Charles de Montmartre) [0 votes]

If you lean out one more time so help me...
(Submitted by Lady Sine Fergusson of Kintyre (via Artemisia)) [0 votes]

Mmmmm..... Human.....
(Submitted by NorphTehDwarf) [0 votes]

Hurry up and shove him in, i want to row home
(Submitted by Domenico, Atlantia) [0 votes]

This'll get me my peerage, right?
(Submitted by Hakon refr) [0 votes]

Ragnar, stop playing with the fish and fix the sail if you want to waterski!
(Submitted by Sion Siosal, Midrealm) [0 votes]

Now, Your Majesty, I'm sure you want to reconsider our proposal....
(Submitted by Lewys ap Deykin) [0 votes]

There goes another obstruction on your path to the throne!
(Submitted by Lady Meaghen Mac Laren) [0 votes]

How many more items do we need for this quest?
(Submitted by Stefanina da Lucca) [0 votes]

You can trust us Ld. Richard - the skin of a giant fish makes the very best dumbec. Now go get 'em!
(Submitted by Avery Austringer) [0 votes]

Aw, dammit! Now I've dropped my glass eye too! Hold the boat steady, I can almost reach it.
(Submitted by Gunnar Bjorn Thorgrimsson, Ealdormere) [0 votes]

"Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a hat out of its mouth!"
(Submitted by Brendan Pilgrim) [0 votes]

Eeny meeny miny mooth, catch a monster by the tooth. . . .
(Submitted by Brendan Pilgrim) [0 votes]

They had hoped a boat ride would cheer Lord Iorwerth up, but he still looked down in the mouth.
(Submitted by Brendan Pilgrim, who's finding this addictive) [0 votes]

"Waiter! There's a boatload of people in my soup." "Don't worry sir, the dog in your soup will eat them."
(Submitted by Brendan Pilgrim) [0 votes]

Geoffrey and Milo agreed: Padraig took "staring into the jaws of death" a tad too literally.
(Submitted by Brendan Pilgrim) [0 votes]

"Cool! -ool -ool -ool! There's an echo! echo! echo! echo!"
(Submitted by Brendan the prolific Pilgrim) [0 votes]

"While you're down there, see if you can find my keys."
(Submitted by Brendan Pilgrim) [0 votes]

"I told him, I said 'Brendan, one more caption and out you go!'"
(Submitted by Brendan Pilgrim) [0 votes]

Despite the danger, Jared wasn't content to remain a Journeyman Baiter.
(Submitted by Brendan "The Compleat Angler" Pilgrim) [0 votes]

Mmmm.... Human....
(Submitted by NorphTehDwarf) [0 votes]

Sire? Sire? Are you in there?
(Submitted by Esther) [0 votes]

This sheela's a Beaut. Most people don't know, but the native range of th' saltwater sea serpent goes all th' way from Calafia to Southern Trimaris.
(Submitted by Lonán Dubh) [0 votes]

I swear that Boy is Jakob the lion tamers and not mine!
(Submitted by Kendrick of TirGat) [0 votes]

Dad, have you got any cough sweets? His throat is ever so sore
(Submitted by caroline cottrell) [0 votes]

"What do you do with a drunken squire, What do you do with a drunken squire, What do you do with a drunken squire, EARLIE IN THE MORNING!" "Feed him to a Frankish woodcut " et all
(Submitted by Baska of the ' Folke) [0 votes]

"Are you sure the Vigil is in there?"
(Submitted by Lord Padair) [0 votes]

"I know I need proof of membership, but are you sure this is esier than asking Milpitas?"
(Submitted by Lord P) [0 votes]

I know i left my watch here somewhere...
(Submitted by Craig Thomson) [0 votes]

"Leave it Marco." "I can't, if I only take back noodles, no one is gonna belive my stories about China."
(Submitted by Vels) [0 votes]

I see somebody's hand and an alarm clock
(Submitted by Dagonell the Juggler) [0 votes]

"We're gonna need a bigger boat. "
(Submitted by Muirnach Na Leslie) [0 votes]

What a day: First the sail broke loose, then johnna tried to meet with another big fish, then the sea turned to spagetti, what more could go wrong....... oh man, I lost an ore!!!
(Submitted by Herr Alexander Adelbrecht von Merklingen, Midrealm) [0 votes]

Documented proof that the annual Darwin Awards are *period*!
(Submitted by Iustinos Tekton called Justin) [0 votes]

Sea monster dental care at Ye Olde Sea World
(Submitted by D. Blauwald) [0 votes]

No, the 3rd molar to the right! Your OTHER right!
(Submitted by Rixende de Vaucouloures, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

If he loses one more tankard........
(Submitted by Sirona MacGregor of Tir Ysgithr) [0 votes]

"I told him not to pick Eitienne the Fish Dentist as his SCA name"
(Submitted by Anne Onymus) [0 votes]

now we chum the waters. in you go "chum"!
(Submitted by grim (within the bounds of bronzehelm, artemisia)) [0 votes]

...I dunno, Lars - *is* scrimshaw period?!?
(Submitted by Master George of Berwick, OP) [0 votes]

"Quit playing with the whale, Jonah!"
(Submitted by Mistress Arlys o Gordon, O.L., An Tir) [0 votes]

Look Mommy Nice Fishie!
(Submitted by Kith the Silent) [0 votes]

I didn't even know that there was a Chirurgeonate ranking for Veteranerians
(Submitted by Roger of Belden Abbey, An Tir) [0 votes]

Okay, I've set the bait, now what?
(Submitted by Roger of Belden Abbey, An Tir) [0 votes]

"Now open up and say, AARRRRGGHH!"
(Submitted by Marius mac Conchobhoir, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

To much mead on this trip m'lord.....
(Submitted by Rhiannon of Moon Lake) [0 votes]

Well, this is ONE way to get rid of a Seneschal!
(Submitted by A-Saurus) [0 votes]

"You feed you're pet Kraken by Puking in his mouth? Gross!" "Well he was much smaller when I first got him, and I used to feed my pet chicks the same way.....Just don't let me fall, OK?"
(Submitted by Donas of Darkyard) [0 votes]

"What do you do with a drunken sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor, earlie in the morning?"
(Submitted by Brendan) [0 votes]

Don't touch have no idea where it's been!
(Submitted by Magda Bathory) [0 votes]

Hey Mom, he followed me home - isn't he cute. Can I keep him? I promise I'll feed and take care of him!
(Submitted by Ellen Fraser) [0 votes]

How much mead did you give him? Bad enough he barfed in the bilge, but now he's seeing sea serpents ...
(Submitted by Ralf Fuller) [0 votes]

Pinnochio, are you in there????
(Submitted by Lord Niall Logan) [0 votes]

I'm warning you ... you should never speak to strange sea monsters.
(Submitted by Sadb ingen Thuathail) [0 votes]

No, you can't bring another pet home with you!
(Submitted by Kailyn Ruadh, Middle Kingdom) [0 votes]

I can carve the coolest Peerage medallion if I can just get the incisor...
(Submitted by Duchess Katerina O'Callaghan, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

But if I don't get the favor back, there will be no more ah....FAVORS....
(Submitted by Duchess Katerina O'Callaghan, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

Teachers discover the usefull tool of threats "We only have to throw one child to the sea serpent".
(Submitted by Lady Isabelle MacLeod) [0 votes]

After his career as a hero, Beowulf took up his little-known hobby, dentistry.
(Submitted by Lady Bertana of Cissanbyrig) [0 votes]

You too can have a handy-dandy swimming barf bag that follows you wherever you may need it! Order now!
(Submitted by Adele Desfontaines) [0 votes]

Yep, those tonsils have got to come out.
(Submitted by Brendan) [0 votes]

I think we need a bigger boat!!!!
(Submitted by Judah) [0 votes]

Ugh, monster fish breath!
(Submitted by Cainnear) [0 votes]

THIS is why I told you to feed the dog before we left home!
(Submitted by Cameron Ian MacLaird) [0 votes]

Ivor finally finds out exactly WHY wedgies aren't funny.
(Submitted by Cameron Ian MacLaird) [0 votes]

Open Wide! Ahh...there's the problem, a bit of pesky pirate stuck in your molar.
(Submitted by Margery Garret of Winter's Gate) [0 votes]

Great,Erek said.First Peer patty cake,now death by sea monster.
(Submitted by William Taylor The Pure(Middle)) [0 votes]

While his father stirred the spaghetti and his mother checked for 'poopy diapers', Little Lord Jacob was last heard saying, "Ooooo, shiney....!"
(Submitted by Lady Bethia Somers, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

While his mother checked for 'poopy diapers', Little Lord Jacob was last heard saying, "Oooooo, shiney...!"
(Submitted by Lady Bethia - I shoulda submitted this one first- Somers, Kingdon of Atenveldt) [0 votes]

Wider, please. Ah yes, I'm afraid this calls for a root canal
(Submitted by Ealasaid nic Suibhne, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

Before joining the Church, Brendon the Navigator had a successful aquatic dentistry clinic
(Submitted by Sasha) [0 votes]

Well, what did you think ballast was for?
(Submitted by Colin Blackthorn) [0 votes]

If this guy chums the water again, we might be able to get the monster to shove us all the way to land!
(Submitted by -Siobhan ni Dhonnabhain) [0 votes]

No wait, I saw this at Gatorland.
(Submitted by Avis Albrechtsdotter) [0 votes]

So you want to be an Asgardian squire
(Submitted by Ian fitz Patric, Trimaris) [0 votes]

See Gwynfor wasn't making it up! Look, documentation for 13th Icelandic Fish Skin Tanning...
(Submitted by not Drake Morgan, OL.) [0 votes]

I could have been a Rus and be thrown to the wolves, but noooo I wanted to go to sea.
(Submitted by Omar Mohammud Mirzazadeh (East)) [0 votes]

Remember, if you hold onto that tooth for 3 leagues, we'll let you into the club.
(Submitted by vigdis vestfirnzka) [0 votes]

Please don't drop the barber until after he's fixed that tooth!
(Submitted by Herr Wilhelm von Düsseldorf) [0 votes]

I say we throw him back. The King wants fish, and I fully intend to come back with fish!
(Submitted by Katarina Peregrine, Midrealm) [0 votes]

I said bring me a Chirurgeon not a sturgeon!
(Submitted by Conrad the Mad midrealm) [0 votes]

Verily I say "the rivers Toll booth is costing so much these days - and we are running out of virgins!!"
(Submitted by Ld Yonatan von Scwartzuberflek) [0 votes]

The original "Old man and the Sea" didnt need a whale.
(Submitted by Isabeau de Montjoie of Dark River Shire, Middle Kingdom) [0 votes]

Here, kitty kitty kitty!
(Submitted by Isabel d'Estella, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

An example Trimarian "Squire-Bait" fishing. Discontinued in recent times when the number of Squires dropped to near record levels. "The belts are covered in blood and sweat so it's hard to get a good handhold. Don't see what the big deal is, I mean, It's
(Submitted by Fergus DeBotha, Barony of Tir Ysgithr, Kingdom of Atenveldt.) [0 votes]

Hold still, this won't hurt a bit!
(Submitted by Alamanda de Claret) [0 votes]

I'll do it this time, but next time YOU get to floss his teeth!!
(Submitted by Rhianna ingen Cathail, Artemisia) [0 votes]

"See, I told you sea serpent dentistry, the wave of the future!"
(Submitted by Wilhelm von Homburg, West Kingdom) [0 votes]

Sorry, dear, ballast is ballast.
(Submitted by Darja z Prahy) [0 votes]

No, dear, mustn't pet the Sea Monsters...
(Submitted by Arrantxa Idazle Iruñekoa) [0 votes]

Drusilla sez: Stultorum quanto status sublimior, tanto manifestior turpitudo!