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Wacky Woodkut Kaption Kontest!

Last Month's Woodkut The people have spoken! Here are the results of our on-line voting:

First place

The Original "Girls Gone Wild" woodcuts were a huge seller.
    — Submitted by A Random Atlantian

Second place (tie)

"Alas, my love you do me wrong, to cast me offal discourteously. And I had loved you so long, in spite of your public nudity."
    — Submitted by Iustinos Tekton

Rude Lute Dudes Ruin Nude Beaut's Mood, Poop Ensues
    — Submitted by Mistress Jessa d'Avondale

Third place

"What!? No beads!?"
    — Submitted by Norina de Lessley

The entire list of entries, as well as the voting results, may be seen in the previous issue.

The submission and voting period are over
Here are the submissions our readers sent in, sorted by votes received:


Kaptions Submitted by Our Readers:

Harold discovered that his "Animal Husbandry" Laurel would be harder to obtain than he had initially thought.
(Submitted by A Random Atlantian) [10 votes]

The donkey decided not to stick around to see what the apples and the staff were for.
(Submitted by Lady Zoot) [4 votes]

Roger's first attempt at cooking a feast was not going to plan.
(Submitted by Lady 'liza) [3 votes]

Lacking both the secluded valleys and the sweet young ewes of the Scots, the French improvised.
(Submitted by Kestrel of Toron) [3 votes]

Wrestling a pig is like arguing with a herald. First you get really dirty and muddy, and then, after a while, you begin to realize the pig is enjoying himself.
(Submitted by Brendan, again) [3 votes]

To pork or not to pork, That is the question. Whether 't is nobler in the mind, to pork a piggy from behind or to move on to a nice bovine.
(Submitted by SteelOvaries) [3 votes]

Randolf decided that playing period-rules croquet with live animals as gates made it very awkward to set up the course.
(Submitted by Colonel Jenna) [2 votes]

"Okay! Okay! I'll tell you where we hid the sheep, just stop making him squeal like that!"
(Submitted by Lady Bethia Somers, Atenveldt) [2 votes]

Despite the popularity of Bear Pit tourney's, the Boar Pit variation never really caught on.
(Submitted by Aron er Dansker) [2 votes]

the things one has to do to get a peerage
(Submitted by Mistress Meadhbh) [2 votes]

"That'll do pig....that'll do."
(Submitted by THL Roland O'Rourke) [1 votes]

"You want DOCUMENTATION for making out??!!"
(Submitted by Owein the Mad Hermit) [1 votes]

Dammit, Cusco, stop laughing and find the solvent.
(Submitted by Maol Mhichil mac Gille Pheadair, Polaris Herald) [1 votes]

Act II, Scene II from "Medieval Deliverance" starring Sir Burt Reynolds and Squire Ned Beatty
(Submitted by The red-headed Bard of Sun Dragon) [1 votes]

Right hand here, left hand there. OK, how do I put the apple in?
(Submitted by Robere) [1 votes]

Squeal like a pig!
(Submitted by James B) [1 votes]

The unicorn warily eyed the boar-humper, wondering if he was still technically a virgin.
(Submitted by Lionys Penderyn) [1 votes]

Ernest had not correctly redacted the recipe for Roast Pig with Apple Stuffing.
(Submitted by Kythe Szubielka/ Jester of Stonemarche) [1 votes]

We interrupt your regularly scheduled tapestry for...BOAR, THE OTHER WHITE MEAT
(Submitted by Lord Marius, Atenveldt) [1 votes]

Hurcules Captures Erymanthian Boar, Penelope Amazed
(Submitted by Paddy O'Poole) [1 votes]

Early attempts at cross-breeding were only frustrating to the farmer and pissed off the pig.
(Submitted by Safya the Silent) [1 votes]

If you have trouble with horses, my lord, try practicing on a smaller animal.
(Submitted by An Outlander) [1 votes]

No matter where Winstead shifted the boar, television reception in the castle did not improve.
(Submitted by Gerhardt) [1 votes]

"Look at this boar! What a beauty!" exclaims Steve of Irwin. "I'm going to mask my scent with his, so I can get closer to that pony over there... Uh oh - the boar is gettin' cranky!"
(Submitted by Ursula Messerschmitt) [1 votes]

Friedrich didn't realise that the apple-stuffing happens AFTER the pig is dead.
(Submitted by Reynardo the Red) [1 votes]

honey i'm home!!
(Submitted by robert stallarifannskker) [1 votes]

A scribal error took much of the excitement out of the scheduled bear-wrestling match.
(Submitted by Rhys) [1 votes]

"Just another boaring day," Nigel thought to himself wistfully.
(Submitted by Miguel Flores) [1 votes]

The early days of the World Wrestling Federation
(Submitted by A Bad Peer) [1 votes]

"Take that you PIG!" screamed Lolita de Burro as her champion disposed of the offensive swine.
(Submitted by Norina de Lessley) [1 votes]

"Shrek, how could you?!"
(Submitted by Asa Gormsdottir) [1 votes]

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! The biggest stars of Trife Wrestling come to the London Arena! Free hot dogs for the kids!
(Submitted by Ce Coyotl Ramirez) [0 votes]

Ah, My Love...Why do you try to run away?!?!
(Submitted by Dafydd ap Caer Myrddin) [0 votes]

.. At which point the unicorn said, "that's it, I'm outta here.. this is getting a little much even for me."
(Submitted by Lady Muireann) [0 votes]

Hmm, thought Nigel. Why is there a lever in this boar's chest?
(Submitted by Brendan, wandering through once again) [0 votes]

Lacking a live bear, Lord Bob improvises somewhat for his "bear bating and the Gladiator" children's activity.
(Submitted by Pirate Girl) [0 votes]

I Lord Generic's haste to prepare the perfect feast he forgot the minor detail of slaying the boar before stuffing it with apples. Mayhem ensued.
(Submitted by Piratical Lady) [0 votes]

"From now on I stick with sheep."
(Submitted by Kat Lyndesay) [0 votes]

Hurry up and get his wallet Shrek, the town guards are coming.
(Submitted by Timmy) [0 votes]

Democrat and running mate caught preemptively "taxing" business in the 1300s. Dems schedule delayed 500 years.
(Submitted by Margaret Northwode) [0 votes]

What the! Man can't turn your back on this guy for a second.
(Submitted by James de Biblesworth) [0 votes]

I am out of here, I've seen Deliverance I know what happens next
(Submitted by Flonzy) [0 votes]

Medieval pool consisted of apples for balls and animals mouths for pockets
(Submitted by Warzanis) [0 votes]

Who's the ass now?!
(Submitted by Chris Warzin) [0 votes]

Winstead, having carried his pets to the top of the tower, ponders how to get them down again.
(Submitted by Gerhardt) [0 votes]

Poor Adam -- After he ate from the tree of sin, he made a pig of himself, then went on to make an ass of himself...
(Submitted by HL Anthony Hawke, GdS, AA. (An Tir)) [0 votes]

Animal trials for the Heimlich Maneuver
(Submitted by Guy Dawkins) [0 votes]

I luved you pigggy I luuuuuuuved you
(Submitted by Vicol cel Rau de Stravnos) [0 votes]

Taking Animal Husbandry Tooo Far!!!
(Submitted by Knallkopfbaer) [0 votes]

Smiling Bob...He is like wood that will not bend!
(Submitted by Indian Jay) [0 votes]

Lassie! Got get help!
(Submitted by Finn) [0 votes]

Ha! And you thought I was enamoured of an ass.
(Submitted by Stephan Calvert deGrey) [0 votes]

John the Poacher thinks - this'll teach me to go scrumping apples before dropping off the last load.
(Submitted by Blodeuwedd y Gath) [0 votes]

Lleylop the Llama sighed. It was rough enough that his master was bored, but he was apparently stupid, as well.
(Submitted by Kaitlyn) [0 votes]

This is not what was meant by the term, "animal husbandry."
(Submitted by Amecia of Wyvernewoode) [0 votes]

I'm only trying to help to teach that ASS a lesson.
(Submitted by Coel) [0 votes]

An Apple a day keeps the Randy Farmboy away...
(Submitted by Master Drake Morgan, Lochac) [0 votes]

Bored with boar every night for supper, Caedfal entices the unicorn to mate with his horny boar Thor.
(Submitted by Kadlin Steadyjaw) [0 votes]

I came here for virgins, now this unicorn is leaving
(Submitted by unknown scot) [0 votes]

Sorry boar but I am getting the hell out of here before that human confounds himself with me too.
(Submitted by Kivian) [0 votes]

When he awoke the next morning, Stephan swore to never drink that much again.
(Submitted by Brandr Wyborn, Meridies) [0 votes]

A whole new spin on snuff films
(Submitted by Asa Gormsdottir) [0 votes]

What St. Francis really did behind closed doors
(Submitted by Allan) [0 votes]

Board my Ass!
(Submitted by bitsy from Bondage Bay) [0 votes]

Fred's first date. The unicorn's keeping lookout for the gendarmes, knowing that he'd get sloppy seconds.
(Submitted by John Gaunt) [0 votes]

"I'll jump! I'll do it!.... YOU ONT LOVE ME ANYMORE!" cried the pack mule. while her secret lover bubba the boar looks on in horror "aw come on, dont be an ass about this!"
(Submitted by Melchior (atlantia)) [0 votes]

Now I know why the last piggy went running home going "Wee" Wee"
(Submitted by Sir Cosmo Craven) [0 votes]

As even the ass looked on with disgust Padrig removed the boar's tusk from his inner thigh
(Submitted by goddess of poetry and fertility) [0 votes]

After coring apple after apple and having the donkey sack him he decided to give the sleeping boar a go....
(Submitted by A true 'lady') [0 votes]

The real inspiration behind Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk"; "Don't tell me that you love me!"
(Submitted by The Ysabiau clones of Trimaris, crazy every one.) [0 votes]

But the Beastiary SAID it would work!
(Submitted by Lady Vera z Czecznee) [0 votes]

...This is the reason they use Donkeys in THOSE kind of shows
(Submitted by Sir Ardion) [0 votes]

No, piggy! Don't gore the nice donkey! Good piggy...
(Submitted by Alianor de R) [0 votes]

Ulric, very funny, now put the Unicorn back!
(Submitted by Lothar von Halstern, East) [0 votes]

Warming up for the Boar Wars....
(Submitted by Eirika) [0 votes]

I'm leaving AND I'm telling your wife!
(Submitted by Magda Bathory) [0 votes]

Beastiality's Best Mate....
(Submitted by Random Eastrealmer) [0 votes]

"Never wrestle with a pig. You end up getting muddy, and after a while you realize the pig is kind of enjoying it!"
(Submitted by Kevin O'Shaughnessy) [0 votes]

Certes, sirrah, you can love your beastes, just don't looooove your beastes!
(Submitted by Gryfen de Gesalonne) [0 votes]

Let's see the heralds emblazon this!
(Submitted by Dieter Uberwiess) [0 votes]

"Wow, I heard that Artemisia's after revels could get a little wild, but this is a bit much for me!"
(Submitted by Lady Bethia Somers, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

"...Gee. He didn't squeal like that for me!"
(Submitted by Lady Bethia Somers, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

Perhapse Ithere was a step before 'stuff the pig with apples' ?
(Submitted by Lady Africa O'Brien, Shire of Windkeep, Outlands) [0 votes]

Nobody knows the truffle I've been in...
(Submitted by Jehan L'Utile de Bretagna) [0 votes]

Hold still! Y'can't gut his lordship wi'out gettin close, and that measn an apple in yer mouth!
(Submitted by Wilhelm von Düsseldorf) [0 votes]

Poor wee piggy got a tummy ache? Deer me. Too many apples I see.
(Submitted by Aoidhne Mora) [0 votes]

"Seven Virgins and a Mule" I said not a Boar! God, I hate being a Ringmaster in Tijuana!
(Submitted by Graywolf, East Kingdom) [0 votes]

Lothar the Herald decided to take his master's suggestions regarding authentic heraldic charges to a new level.
(Submitted by Ld. Einarr Grimsson, Shire of Flinthyll, Kingdom of Calontir) [0 votes]

Woodcuts from the infamous "Book of Boar Messages"
(Submitted by Tarte d’Arsus) [0 votes]

I knew ye french ladyes were ugly but this is a bit much!
(Submitted by Einarr) [0 votes]

Yeee-HAH! C'mon Boy Squeal like a pig for the ass!
(Submitted by Kith the Silent) [0 votes]

I told you I did'nt want that apple!
(Submitted by Tara Eibhilin N'Seaghada) [0 votes]

Jack, the Giant Killer--during a practice run
(Submitted by Dylan Bond MacLeod (MidRealm)) [0 votes]

The Quarter - No One Is Safe!