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Wacky Woodkut Kaption Kontest!

Last Issue's Woodkut The people have spoken! Here are the results of our on-line voting:

First place

"Harold discovered that his 'Animal Husbandry' Laurel would be harder to obtain than he had initially thought."
    — Submitted by A Random Atlantian

Second place

"The donkey decided not to stick around to see what the apples and the staff were for."
    — Submitted by Lady Zoot

Third place

Too many to print here!

The entire list of entries, as well as the voting results, may be seen in the previous issue.

The submission and voting period are over
Here are the submissions our readers sent in, sorted by votes received:


Kaptions Submitted by Our Readers:

The Chirurgeon's Handbook: Proper Period Method to Stop a Nosebleed: A Finger (Debate rages over whose finger to use.)
(Submitted by Brynach) [3 votes]

You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friend's nose
(Submitted by Eve) [2 votes]

While attempting to dupe the rube out of his wealth in ye Ole Shell game, Squire Norbert was caught (Red Nostril-ed?) hiding the pea up his nose.
(Submitted by SteelOvaries) [2 votes]

The Garb Laural was REALLY impressed when he tried to pick up the box, only to discover that it wasnt a table, but a cod piece!
(Submitted by The Proper Yarnvidi) [1 votes]

Hey...what THIS one smell like?
(Submitted by Kith the Silent) [1 votes]

You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But only a Pelican would pick a freind's nose.
(Submitted by Gen) [1 votes]

Just what is holding that table aloft?
(Submitted by A Herald from An Tir) [1 votes]

AEthenstein had failed again. One day he'd learn that one can not put a square peg in a round nostril
(Submitted by James of Middle Aston, [1 votes]

Joesph won the Kingdom A&S title by levitating the table *and* pulling an egg from his companion's nose!
(Submitted by Eirika (a real An Tirian)) [1 votes]

Now MeLord, pray relax whilst I do clean your nose, and serve thee as should a proper protegee of the "olde school"..
(Submitted by Anon A. Mouse) [1 votes]

Please sir, sample my nuts.
(Submitted by Vann Platz) [1 votes]

Lord Biginthecloak didn't realize that while Sir Stronginthearm was pulling a rabbit out of his nose, he was also preparing for a deadly table-to-the-groin.
(Submitted by Seadna Lach of the Midrealm) [1 votes]

Crayola Markers?, HAH!, wait till those Submission Heralds get a whiff of these, this one I call Fighter's Cup Yellow
(Submitted by Conall, Wanna-Bee Herald) [1 votes]

DAMN PEERS THEY THINK THEIR P**P DOESN'T STINK! Well, here I have a few samples. Well does it?
(Submitted by Conall, Recovering Newbie) [1 votes]

Your right, your finger does smell like poo
(Submitted by Coel) [1 votes]

That's the seventh I've removed. At least they're getting smaller.
(Submitted by Uberto Renaldi) [1 votes]

Dude, I don't know what your giving me but the table is floating!
(Submitted by Guy Dakwkins of Stockley) [1 votes]

... And if you *don't* guess which box holds the walnut, I get your house. I call this game "equity stripping".
(Submitted by Baron Caradoc) [1 votes]

"Verily good sirrah, I got your nose!"
(Submitted by Baska the Depraved) [1 votes]

Alas, good Squire Robert, smell this egg and you too shall have the power to raise the table with just thy cod
(Submitted by Dietrich) [1 votes]

In the Middle Ages, cheese was valued according to its smell. And the law of gravity had not yet been discovered ....
(Submitted by Baron Caradoc) [1 votes]

Mo, the Taste Tester, was having a bad day ... it was the Limberger Festival
(Submitted by Lord Graywolf) [1 votes]

take the red nut, and I show you just how deep the rabbit hole realy goes....
(Submitted by Vann Platz) [0 votes]

floating tables are the devil!!!!
(Submitted by Vann Platz) [0 votes]

What are the odds we'd get BOTH our codpieces stuck?
(Submitted by Gavin - Aethelmearc) [0 votes]

Yes sir, I do think your nose would fit in that box
(Submitted by Lady Abi) [0 votes]

Harry Potter in later life made a living doing a bar act
(Submitted by garth belt) [0 votes]

Methinks this sausage looks best affixed to thy nose.
(Submitted by A Red Haired Spakona) [0 votes]

no! no! you can not assemble your art sci project up your nose!!
(Submitted by john of antioche) [0 votes]

I "aquired" these lil trinkes from a grop of natives who kept their treasure buried in their noses,Ya should have seen Me trying to pull them out while they slept!!
(Submitted by Rodney) [0 votes]

Clever Pieter openly engaged in his nose stuffing fetish under the pretense of therapy.
(Submitted by Miguel Flores) [0 votes]

"No, you can't just push the table down again. You have to turn this rock to make it stop levitating." Said the madame in charge of the seance.
(Submitted by A conjured spirit lurking around since they failed to banish me.) [0 votes]

I just stuck my finger in my butt. Here, have a wiff of it.
(Submitted by Bob Dole) [0 votes]

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but when you wipe your friends under the table, they get angry!!!
(Submitted by Lord Gyric of Otershaghe) [0 votes]

Hey, Guys! Check it out! When I poke his brain right here, his finger sticks up...
(Submitted by Lord Gyric of Otershaghe) [0 votes]

Lift the table high, and pull a robin's egg out of your nose.
(Submitted by Brongaar) [0 votes]

"Pick my nose once more and I'll hurl this stone at thee!"
(Submitted by Amused in Ansteorra) [0 votes]

"Taste this its my totally period recipie for Ox Penis!"
(Submitted by -=The Seamus from Ansteorra) [0 votes]

If I put this on the table, it might stop floating in the air.
(Submitted by Lord Segan ua Flaithfhiled) [0 votes]

No, you don't win the contest, I don't care how many marizpan sublties of rocks you make me eat!
(Submitted by Lady Christine the good - Tir Righ) [0 votes]

i am aware this table is floating, but are you aware you only have one rather pointy toe?
(Submitted by I'm James Hall) [0 votes]

Now, Melord, pray relax,for so did I also cleanse the nose of good Sir Wolfbrand when I was squired to him...
(Submitted by Silly Whizzer) [0 votes]

No more for you you so fat you need to get a diet oh .....
(Submitted by him) [0 votes]

And on the menu today is cyanide with a side of stricknine
(Submitted by me) [0 votes]

Lord Albrecht finally realized that the magician's trick to levitating the table was placing the finger in the nose, not alongside of it as he erroneously believed.
(Submitted by Stephan Calvert deGrey) [0 votes]

"Cogito ergot sum." (I think I ate bad bread.)
(Submitted by Mistress Arlys o Gordon, O.L., An Tir) [0 votes]

"My son, thine Play-doh is not to be put in thine nose. Let me help you get it out..."
(Submitted by Jamie Fellrath) [0 votes]

Got your nose!
(Submitted by Lord Ima Naughta Tellin) [0 votes]

Apparently you CAN pick your friend's noses!
(Submitted by Lore Bubeck - Atlantia!) [0 votes]

...And as thou can see, the table levitates only after thy finger be firmly esconced and my rude gesture be complete!
(Submitted by Ursus Grim) [0 votes]

This smells rancid... does this smell rancid to you?
(Submitted by Summer) [0 votes]

"You lost the Table Chess Match! Now you have to smell my finger!!!"
(Submitted by Wilhelm von Homburg, Mists, West) [0 votes]

And remember... only your nose knows what the floating table knows...
(Submitted by viggy) [0 votes]

Damn horse glue....
(Submitted by Herra Thorkell Magnusson don Oslo) [0 votes]

"Wow Cheech, thats some good sh*t! Like the room is all like floating and stuff"
(Submitted by rmb) [0 votes]

Hey Rocky, watch me pull a floating table out of your nose!
(Submitted by Adele) [0 votes]

Smell my finger!
(Submitted by not a herald) [0 votes]

Yes, Yes... that's cheese. Now SMELL MY FINGER!
(Submitted by Alric) [0 votes]

Can I pick 'em or can I pick 'em!
(Submitted by Kith the Silent) [0 votes]

Just a little rogue here and here and you too can be a manly man like me.
(Submitted by Domenica) [0 votes]

Dude Smell My Finger
(Submitted by Hurricane) [0 votes]

Gem smugglers tried several different hiding spots before settling upon the least painful orifice.
(Submitted by Rhys Wilkerson) [0 votes]

H'ello My Name is Don Juan I could Make love to your ear like no man before me
(Submitted by Vicol Stravnos) [0 votes]

h'ello my name is Don Juan... I ocudl make love to your ear liek no man before
(Submitted by Vicol Stravnos) [0 votes]

"Nice trick. Lemme try one. Why what have we here? Huh? It's a Quarter in your nose!"
(Submitted by Norina de Lessley) [0 votes]

And *this* relic only works when shoved in the right nostril, like so!
(Submitted by Uberto Renaldi) [0 votes]

Call my codpiece atable?!?! I'll give you what for!!!
(Submitted by Wilhelm von Homburg, Mists, West) [0 votes]

Quentis (right) explains to Agent Nihil-Nihil-VII (left) how to operate the latest secret gadget: "Not my nose, fool! Here. Grasp this ordinary-looking stone thusly, and tap it on the table, and stand back. In just seconds, it will break open to reveal a
(Submitted by Iustinos Tekton called Justin) [0 votes]

"Yes, stage magic is a fine art, but you can't get a Laurel for pulling objects out of my nose!"
(Submitted by Marius, Atenveldt) [0 votes]

If you keep pulling things from my nose the tables should sit on the ground again
(Submitted by Dietrich) [0 votes]

Ahhh, M'Lady, me thinks the red rouge is better...
(Submitted by Lady Elizabeth Margarete, West Kingdom) [0 votes]

So you see, by placing my left index finger up your nose it causes the table to levitate.
(Submitted by Helen of Avebury) [0 votes]

does this smell infected?
(Submitted by Angus Gordon of Darkmoon) [0 votes]

El Purpure-o
(Submitted by Whaddya mean, there's MORE?) [0 votes]

We've got the dick-ups! (does that count as obscene?)
(Submitted by Ghita) [0 votes]

Stop picking my nose! It's making the table float!
(Submitted by Ghita) [0 votes]

Yes I see; superglue does bond in seconds. Now what do we do.
(Submitted by Lord Rúnólfr Orthlokarr Úlfsson) [0 votes]

Whilst testing the aphrodisiacal properties of spice beads, Sir Connor considers that this experiment may best be carried out at home.
(Submitted by An Aten Sunbeam!) [0 votes]

The origins of "Squire Guy's All-In-One Organic Superglue".
(Submitted by Lady Jenna) [0 votes]

Nothing says love like wooden blocks up the nose!
(Submitted by Siobhan) [0 votes]

The Precursor Game to three Card Monty was Smell the Six Bar Soap
(Submitted by Kythe, Jester of Stonemarche) [0 votes]

What you have invented Percy; if it has a name, is some green
(Submitted by Cameron Ian MacLaird) [0 votes]

Alright, who put a fresh coat of varnish on the table???
(Submitted by Herr Wilhelm von Düsseldorf) [0 votes]

Smell the glass..smell it. Can you smell it? Smell the glass...
(Submitted by Transylvania 65 -Oh Oh Oh!) [0 votes]

And this block in touyr nose caused the headaches.
(Submitted by Reynardo the Red) [0 votes]

The Quarter - Brought to you in part by the Wrong People!