Better Living Through Astrology

-From Dr. John Dee, Astrologer to Queen Elizabeth I-

Discovered along with the Lucky Astrology Diet Manuscript, here is Dr. Dee's horoscope for September 1589.

Aries: You will be involved in a duel with a Scotsman over a sheep.

Taurus:Your refusal to admit your mistakes will find you on the chopping block.

Gemini: Your friends think you are two-faced. Your irrational, emotional side is forced to agree.

Cancer: You need to get out of the house, as there are plans afoot for its violent destruction   while you are present.

Leo: The good news is that The Queen has found favor with you. The bad news is that she and her entire Court are coming to visit your house for a few days, which will leave you bankrupt.

Virgo: Stop being so picky. The heiress your family wants you to marry has huge tracts of land.

Libra: Your fondness for the finer things, like velvet and sweets, will force you into the service of a lascivious nobleman — you couldn't be happier.

Scorpio: Your dream to get a seat in The House of Lords will be thwarted by a turnip munching dullard.

Aquarius: Embarrasment will befall you when you go to the Inns of Court and forget to put on your codpiece.

Capricorn: Beware of anyone offering you a poached salmon.

Pisces: After a drinken binge, you will wake up as the new cabin boy on a ship full of angry, pox-ridden cut throats bound for the Indies.