From the people who brought you the SCA Pop Psychology Quiz, The Quarter Presents...

Avoiding Love in the SCA

Since you first joined the SCA, you have been taught to revere romance. Sure, it SOUNDS pretty. Fighters in shining armor, beautiful ladies in pavilions, flowery speeches, Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, yadda yadda yadda. Remember though, these are fairy tales, most of which have not-so-happy endings!

SCA romance must be handled with care, lest it lead to obligation, commitment, guilt, and other unpleasantness. Romance can take up your precious time at events. It gets in the way when other opportunities (read: a new handsome knave or wanton wench) present themselves. Worst of all, you could get — gasp — emotionally HURT! You don't need this. Why take the risk? Once again, The Quarter comes to your assistance.

FOUR REASONS WHY TRUE LOVE IS NOT FOR YOU

1. You're too desirable for just one person. Why let all that sex appeal be wasted on a one individual?
2. It discourages other potential admirers. (Even if you don't want weirdos to make passes at you, they could at least TRY.)
3. Guilt bites the big one. It's bad for your complexion, too.
4. Why buy the cow when you can go to the grocery store?

NIPPING LOVE AND COMMITMENT IN THE BUD

Remember, the key to avoiding love, and its ugly sister, commitment, lies in keeping physical and emotional distance between yourself and your current romantic interest, save for those few instances when you see fit to take exception. If you don't, you may find yourself pulled into more than you bargained for, and then you're lost for sure. Let's start with physical distance.

Rule number 1: Make sure all of your romantic interests are OUT OF YOUR AREA, preferably at least 100 miles away. Here are some guidelines.
Over 100 miles — proceed, but, as always, use extreme caution. (Refer to "Emotional Distance".)
50-100 miles — risky, undertake carefully. If your interest has a car, or is on a bus/Amtrak route, DESIST.
Under 50 miles — forbidden! Limit yourself to a bare minimum of nods and handshakes. Remember, you have to see these people on a daily or weekly basis. That cramps your style. They might — Heaven forbid! — want to do something outside the SCA like go to dinner or the movies. Such gestures are not your cup of tea. FUHGEDABOUDIT!

Rule number 2: The ideal circumstance for you is to see your interest only twice a year — say, at Gulf Wars and one other major event. Don't waste more than one night with that person. You've got other places to see and people to do.

Rule number 3: Limit your correspondence to Twelfth Night cards and "Dear John/Jane" letters. No birthday cards, definitely no Valentine cards. Don't give out your e-mail address. Say that you live in the back of a van that travels between Atenveldt and Drachenwald, and that you never know where you'll be. Or, say that your persona doesn't know how to write.

EMOTIONAL DISTANCE

This is sticky, but work on it and it will soon come easy. The idea here is to keep the person at your beck and call, while still remaining free to pursue your own interests. It CAN be done. To maintain emotional distance, you must project an attitude of ambivalence. Throw your lord/lady a bone once in a while, just to maintain the other party's interest. Otherwise, keep 'em guessing! You can't let the person think you might really care!

AMBIGUITY 101: MAINTAINING EMOTIONAL DISTANCE

1. Flirt openly with all, especially in front of your love interest. When put upon for your company, ask if you may bring an escort. When ask to explain your behavior, shrug.
2. When faced with a kissing situation, belch. Discuss gastro-intestinal problems in graphic medical detail.
3. Boast at great length about your prowess on and off-the field. Make sure your love interest is aware of being just one in a faceless legion of admirers.
4. Tell your love interest that he/she can't be called handsome/beautiful by any stretch of the imagination. Say that with some work, he/she could aim for cute. Make this subtle turnoff look like a compliment.
5. Forget your love interest's name.
6. Ask, "Are you wearing your first piece of garb?" Be nasty and critical.
7. Fight in the lyst for someone else.
8. If, in the heat of passion, you should make a foolish promise, deny, deny, DENY. Say that you were drunk. This person is probably lying in an attempt to trap you, anyway. Besides, you don't have any passion for this person, you're just a very good actor.

WARNING — some situations are more romantic, and therefore more dangerous, than others. If you aren't careful, you could get carried away. Approach these circumstances with the utmost care and consummate skill. Let's deal with each situation separately.

TOURNAMENTS — It's easy to buy into the idea of fighting for someone, or being fought for. Be on guard! The most dangerous phases of a lyst are giving or receiving a favor, saluting or being saluted, and winning. Follow these tips —

• When giving a favor, say, "This was a leftover scrap from the last t-tunic I made."
• When receiving a favor, say, "I didn't have anyone else to fight for."
• When saluting, don't bow, and never kneel. Instead, wave your sword in the general direction of the crowd.
• When being saluted, be in the privy. Or, be seen frolicking conspicuously with someone else.
• If you win, just ignore your love interest. YOU won the lyst.
• If you are won for, and the fighter tries to get mushy about it, wriggle away and run. You did the fighter a favor. You don't need this extra hassle.

FEASTS — Candlelight, wine, and soft vocal background music can add up to results you can do without. Be Shrewd! Remember that candlelight is very flattering. Your love interest is not that good looking in honest sunlight. Don't be fooled, or taken in.

• Play footsie with someone else.
• Spill a drink in his/her lap. Keep talking as if nothing happened.
• Bat your eyes suggestively at attractive passersby.
• Wander the feast hall. Never stay seated beside your lord/lady longer than is necessary to gulp your food. Say, "Isn't that an interesting style of combat His Majesty Gunnar uses with his axe?" Then leave without waiting for an answer.
• If you never look at your love interest, you will never notice how nice he/she looks in the soft lighting.

AFTER FEASTS — Relatively simple stuff here, compared to the others. Just ignore your long-suffering love interest — after all, if you've followed the other hints here, you've already given a few seconds of attention to him/her at the event — what more does this person want, anyway? Neck with other people. Constantly shark during "Hole in the Wall". Just disappear. Don't worry about that old romantic interest.

FIFTY WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER

The time will invariably come when you will have had enough of your hot romance. Tell your old love interest off in style. Say that you've changed your persona, and that it was your old persona who was involved in the relationship. Don't return the person's favor — say that it was lost somewhere. Be somber. Glower and say, "We never had a romance." Say that you've taken a vow of chastity — and then be seen with a romantic rival. Become a herald. Accuse the other person of having an affair; that's always a good one. Send dead flowers. Or, just forget it. Let the old love interest dry up and blow away. You don't have to explain yourself. After all, it's a free kingdom.

GUILT - YOU DON'T NEED IT

Forget any tripe you may have hear about guilt being natural or healthy. That's utter nonsense. Why feel guilty for ending your romance? What you have done is provided the person with a learning experience and a chance to pursue personal growth. The lord/lady should be grateful to you for this chance, and for the moments of your time that you so generously gifted. Remember that "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all". There's no reason to feel guilty, just because you're smart. You're eligible, you're free, go forth and conquer!

(Editor's note: This was inspired by an article from a publication called The Ice Dragon, back in a.s.xviii. The author is said to be flattered — obviously she's never seen a copy of The Quarter!)