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Tips for Turning Tricks

By Sir Obi Foghorn Wan Leghorn

Howdy, y'all and Domo Arigato,

Oh my God! They killed Thomas the Tank Engine!  You bastards! This month we'll be talking about the Jockstrap of Death (kinda like the Cup of Death), and other field maneuverings, not to be confused with manure-ings! Ha Ha! Get it? Ah, there's my little buttercup of a lady, my Cicely. Think she's calling me to supper, but I'll just finish this here note to y'all up. She's prettier than a new set of tractor tires, ain't she? Now where was I? Oh yeah, I was gonna finish up about the Jockstrap of Death, that I started some two months ago but never got around to finishing. Well, as you may remember, there we were at the Pennsic woods battle, when all of a sudden them dad-blamed Atlantians showed up, and of course they outnumbered us. So we send out our squires (I likes to call 'em "speed bumps" in situations like these, 'cause they're supposed to slow the enemy down, ya see) and they starts to fighting. Well, pretty soon our boys had killed a few of them, and they had killed a few of our boys, when I got this crazy idea. "Hey," I shouted. "You fellas up to a friendly little wager? How's about I go against your captain, mano a mano, and the winner and all his fellas get to keep fighting, and the loser, well, him and his fellas get to mosey on over to the resurrection point. How's that sound to y'all?" Well, they scratched their heads, thought Anyone got a Kleenex? about it, then this big fella steps up and says, "Okay, swamp hick, I'll take you on." I think he was an Arch Duke or something, his armor was all shiny and I think he thought he was gonna defeat me quick as a wink. So we start in on it, and WHAP! I land a clean shot on his leg, and he keeps fighting, like nothin' happened! So WHAP! I hit I hit him right on the noggin, and he says, "That was light!" Can you believe it? So finally, I gets so frustrated that I drop my sword, run right behind him, and give a gigantic tug on his drawers. Now, don't ask me how I managed to get a hold of those boxers, but I did. That boy deserved the wedgie of a lifetime, tell ya what. And he got it! He yelled, "Hold! Hold! You crazy redneck, what are you doing? Don't you know who I am?" And my boys and I just laughed and laughed. They left us alone after that, think maybe I hurt his "Family Jewels", if ya know what I mean, I tugged that hard. So that's the Jockstrap of Death story. Maybe I should call it the Medieval Death Wedgie move, but, ya know, I don't think the Society Marshal would look too kindly on it if we starts to use that technique on an everyday basis. I tell ya this story to illustrate a point, one that I've been trying to tell y'all for quite some time - that honor on the field's worth more than the Devil's fiddle of gold, if ya know what I mean. (OKAY, Cicely, I knows ya worked extra hard to fix my favorite, sushi and collard greens, I'm a comin'! She shore is one feisty filly!)

On to maneuverin' the troops on the field. Let's say ya got a line of fighters, like this: Solid line

Now, if ya deploy archers in an arc, behind the fighters, well now, that would look something like this: Lemon Wedge
Let's take another row of fighters, kinda angled away from the first line, but still lined up: Toilet seat?
Finally, let's take some spearmen, and put them in a corresponding arc to the second line of fighters: Two lemon wedges

That's right, a few of you who were around waaay back in A.S. xiv may remember this one, the Pac Man formation!

Uh oh, my Cicely is coming after my with her iron skillet, gotta go!

Obayo, y'all!



The Quarter - Chaos, panic, disorder... our work here is done.