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Dr. John Dee's Lucky Astrology Diet

Trying to shed a few pounds? Got garb you can't fit into? Then try the historically researched diet of the Elizabethan age! Recently unearthed in a pile of moldy manuscripts was a diet prescribed by Dr. John Dee, court astrologer to Queen Elizabeth. The Elizabethans believed that the human body was composed of four "humours", or disgusting fluids, like phlegm,(uggh!), black bile, yellow bile, (gross!) and blood. The Lucky Astrology Diet regulates the balance of these humours. While today's science has made a lot of advances since then, medical doctors, like Dr. Miroslav Rasmussen of the University of Topolcany, Czechoslovakia, feels that the diet has merit for today's quest to be thin.

The beauty of this diet is that, in addition to the prescribed meals, you can consume all the cous cous you want within the course of one day! That way, you never feel hungry. Also, the diet is so specific that you don't have to worry about creative meal planning. An extra bonus: You lose ten extra pounds for every person you get to go on the diet. So tell all your friends!

Follow the diet plan next to your astrological sign. Modern subsitutions have been made for period foods that are difficult to obtain today.

Aries: (March 21—April 19)

Breakfast — dry wheat toast, 1/2 slice.
Lunch — 3 grapefruit, must be consumed within 1 hour.
Dinner — 1/2 lb. of wolf nipples (subsitute 1 Whopper)

Taurus: (April 20—May 20)

Breakfast — big stack of pancakes with 1 teaspoon maple syrup
Lunch — no lunch
Dinner — 5 raisins

Gemini: (May 21—June 20)

Breakfast — 1 lb whale liver (subsitute herrings in sour cream)
Lunch — 1 turnip
Dinner — a big steak, well done

Cancer: (Moon Children June 21—July 22)

Breakfast — 1 seville orange
Lunch — iceburg lettuce salad, no dressing
Dinner — 1 whole Sturgeon Fish (substitute grouper sandwich)
1. Fill up on
cous cous!
2 - Get your
friends on the diet
to lose extra
weight yourself!

Leo: (July 23—August 22)

Breakfast — no breakfast
Lunch — 1 peck of deer spleens (substitute 1 peck of sheep spleens)
Dinner — 1 ham sandwich

Virgo: (August 23—September 22)

Breakfast — oatmeal porrige
Lunch — oatmeal porrige
Dinner — oatmeal porrige

Libra: (September 23—October 22)

Breakfast — steak and eggs, both uncooked
Lunch — 1 chocolate cupcake
Dinner — onions, turnips and beer

Scorpio: (October 23—November 21)

Breakfast — pork brains in milk gravy (in stores near the Spam)
Lunch — 1 loaf pumpernickel bread
Dinner — 1 pound raw mushrooms
3. After the first
month, if you haven't
lost enough, start
cutting off body parts
until your ideal weight
is achieved!

Sagittarius: (November 22—December 21)

Breakfast — 1 bushel of almonds
Lunch — 5 slices venison bacon
Dinner — 5 boiled eggs

Capricorn: (December 22—January 19)

Breakfast — 2 slabs of goat meat
Lunch — all the cheese you can eat in 25 minutes
Dinner — no dinner

Aquarius: (January 20—February 18)

Breakfast — 1 bottle of port wine
Lunch — fresh tobacco leaf salad
Dinner — 1 turnip

Pisces: (February 19—March 20)

Breakfast — 1 dozen boiled shrimp, 1 beer
Lunch — 1 raw onion, 2 beers
Dinner — 1 keg of beer

The Quarter - Now inflicting ourselves upon Cyberspace!